My own personal perspective (written in 2007)

A lot has changed since I wrote this, and it is by no means exhaustive, nor chronological...at times it leaves blanks that are not filled in...I however left this UNEDITED from 2007

My name is Bradley Keith Newman and I was born on December 18^th, 1971.  My parents are Dennis Marc Newman, born October 8^th, 1942 and Marcia Raye Newman, born December 3^rd, 1943.  I have two sisters: Michelle Sydne Newman, born August 24^th, 1966, and Marissa Rose Newman, born September 1^st, 1985.  I should also note that I have an adopted sister, born in 1956.  My father and I are the only surviving males with the Newman name.

I was born and raised in Phoenix, Arizona.  My parents both graduated college.  They were married in August of 1965.  My mother was a teacher, and my father worked as an insurance agent when I was born.  My family has, for the most part, always been average middle class.  We have never had anyone in the family that has had notable financial success.  My great grandparents, on both sides, all immigrated to America.  My dad’s father was Russian and Polish, born in the US (died before I was born).  My dad’s mother is half Hungarian, half Russian and born in the US (active and quite important in my life until she died in 2005).  My mom’s father is full German, born in Holland (left my mother and grandmother in 1947).  My mom’s mother is half Polish, half Russian and born in the US (died in 1988).  My family is quite small.  All relatives and ancestors (as far as our family can trace) are of the Jewish faith.  This is important to note, considering religion and spirituality have played a crucial formative role in my life.

My birth went off without a hitch.  However, when I was 5 weeks old, I had a gastro-intestinal issue that prevented me from digesting food and drink.  No doctors could properly diagnose the issue, and consequently, I was reduced to my birth weight by the 6^th week.  One doctor, Howard Kandell, properly diagnosed my condition as pyloric stenosis (failure of the pyloric muscle to open the pyloric valve).  He performed the necessary surgery with success.  Although he was a pediatric specialist, he continued to serve as my primary doctor well into my teenage years.  I am indebted to that man for my being alive today.

I started my education in a private school, Phoenix Jewish Day School.  In kindergarten, I was pushed forward due to excellent reading skills.  Halfway through 1^st grade, around the New Year 1976-1977, my father secured a job running the largest volume scrap metal company in Arizona.  At this time, our family moved to an affluent neighborhood (Moon Valley) in north Phoenix, due to the fact that my father’s income increased significantly.  I would change schools in the spring, to a public school: Lookout Mountain Elementary.  I stayed in this school until 8^th grade graduation.  I formed many solid friendships at that school; however, all would eventually fade.  The most important was with Toby Mullane.  He lived on my street, yet went to a different school.  He comes from a broken marriage, which is important later in this paper.  I still talk to him on a regular basis, and he is my oldest friend, going on 31 years.

I still remember my friendships formed starting in the first grade.  I started hanging out with what would eventually grew into a “bad crowd”.  These students constantly got in trouble, and had continued behavior, and academic performance issues.  This included males and females.  All came from good families.  I think we all, strangely, were spoiled and had parents and teachers that were not very good at discipline. My parents always pushed me to excel in school.  In the fourth grade, I was placed in a program called Project Potential, a program for above average students.  I would spend half the school day in this class.  None of my daily friends were in this class, so I did tend to underplay my participation in this program to them outside of class.  I did not want to be different from them in any way.  I attended an after school religious program on Monday, Wednesday and Sunday from 3^rd through 8^th grade (summers off).  Lastly, I was in the Phoenix Boys choir from 4^th grade through 8^th grade, after school on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday days.  So, basically, my weeks were filled.  I perceived these activities as further separation from my friends at school.  So at a very young age, I felt like I had no say in my life.  It should be noted here, that my older sister developed a very serious auto-immune disorder that has plagued her ever since.  She missed much of high school due to being in and out of hospitals for two years upon the onset of her disorder.  She would eventually be diagnosed with lupus.

In the summer between 4^th and 5^th grade, I went into a summer program at Arizona State University (ASU).  I took a class in computers and learned Basic programming.  I did it for the video games (albeit archaic by today’s standards)!  My adopted sister went to ASU, and used to pick me up everyday that summer.  We spent a lot of time together and this was the only real time we got to bond.  Although she had helped raise me, I did not really look up to her at any other time.  Also, that summer, my mother went back to school for her masters in education, and was not around on weeknights.  My father also started hanging out with his friends more outside of work, almost every night.  My parents would go out on weekend nights, leaving me and my (blood) sister (now in high school) with a babysitter, and eventually under the care of my sister only (now in high school).

In the summer between 5^th and 6^th grade, I smoked marijuana for the first time.  I smoked with my sister and her friends, and eventually with my own friends (as they had done the same with their brothers/sisters).  I looked up to my sister, naturally. She had starting having behavioral issues and major conflicts with my parents.  She would run away, and was actually kicked out by my parents on more than one occasion.  She demonized my parents and always tried to get me on her side.  I would go against my parent’s wishes in favor of her.  Although she ignored me in favor of her friends most of the time, I still tried my best to win her over by Years later, I would  come to find out that my Dad had been recreationally using marijuana, cocaine and prescription pills since we moved to Moon Valley in 1976/’77.  He would continue until about 1987.  My mother never used drugs, and “turned the other cheek”.  I consumed alcohol within the next few months, for the first time.  Mostly it came from my parents liquor cabinet, and occasionally from friends parents’ supply.  I had no problem dipping into my parents supply, as I felt this would help me to fit in, or even be a leader.  My first drunk experience was after a 6^th grade dance behind the pizza parlor we all used to hang out at.  Drugs and alcohol would continue to play a consistent role in my life.  It should be noted that I was caught with part of a marijuana joint at religious school in the 6^th grade.  I had it with me to show some friends, again to help me to look “cool”.  As far as school, I still held up good grades.  I was still in the accelerated program, and took the SAT’s for practice in the 7^th grade.  I scored a combined 1200.  These 7^th grade practice scores would eventually get me in to college.

In 8^th grade (December, 1984), I had my Bar-Mitzvah, which is a Jewish ceremony analogous to a rite-of-passage.  All my friends from regular and religious school were there, and my parents threw me a party.  I drank at this party, as there was plenty of alcohol available, being that my parents also held a party the night before, for relatives and their friends.  They had no idea that I would get into the stash.  My older sister was 17 at this time and was not living at home anymore.  In February of 1985, my sister gave birth to Sydne, the first of 3 children, all females.  It should be noted that I got my first computer at this time.

My parents conceived my younger sister Marissa around this time.  She was born on Labor Day, 1985 at the beginning of my freshman year.  My older sister was immediately jealous of obvious attention given to Marissa.  This separated them even more.  At this time, my father lost all his money and his job.  He was found by his partner to be embezzling money for over six years.  He was given the choice of forfeiting his share in the company and walking away, or facing criminal charges being levied upon him.  He chose to walk away.  At this time, he quit drug usage (save for occasional marijuana use).  My mom now became the money-maker of the family and my father raised my younger sister.

Because of behavioral problems, my parents sent me to a high school outside my district.  They wanted me away from my friends; I wanted to be with them.  I immediately found the “bad” crowd at the new school.  I began an almost daily marijuana habit.  I took LSD for the first time.  I smoked marijuana with my father for the first time.  I started ditching school, and in the spring of my freshman year, I had accrued 60 days of being absent or tardy, all unexcused.  I would never get on the bus for school, and I would hang out with a certain group of people, that were either seniors, or [mostly] dropped out of school and averaged 2 years older than myself.  Most of them made my friends look like angels.  As a matter-of-fact, most of my friends were scared of this group.  I had much initiation into this group that involved violence and crime that ranged into the felony category.  One of the friends who I retained through the years is currently serving a 5 year prison sentence for trafficking narcotics.  I would eventually separate from my old friends even more.  In a time span between the end of my freshman year and fall of my sophomore year, I would commit a string of very serious crimes.  I ran way from my parents for the entire summer in-between.   In that fall, I was sentenced to 1.5 years in a juvenile detention center.  At the hearing, my mother told the judge she was “fed-up” and that I should be locked up.

This was a big turning point in my life. I got my GED in jail.  I then took three college correspondence courses, including Psychology 101.  I also got into weightlifting and running to take up the time, and was in excellent physical shape. I did a lot of reading that helped enhance my knowledge of the world and myself.  My mother refused to visit, and the feeling was mutual, as I placed blame on her (as referenced at the end of the last paragraph).  My father did, however, come see me every week.  This is where I finally began bonding with my father.  I was released early from jail after nine months.  Over the summer, I stayed at home and entered a 12 step drug abuse program for teenagers, while on parole.  Although, I was not done with drugs and alcohol, I learned the value of good friends and the influence of friends on my life.

I began what would be my junior year at the high school which all my old friends were at.  I had lost track and still did not feel like I fit in.  I dropped out my first semester.  Right after I turned 17, I applied and was accepted to Arizona State University. I attended for the spring and following fall semesters.  I lived with my older sister, her boyfriend, and my niece near campus.  I would eventually fall into drug use again, using meth amphetamine and marijuana for a short 3 month span.  This would eventually lead to dropping out of school.  My sister was my sole influence in the meth amphetamine use.  I would eventually move back in with my parents, and my sister moved to Prescott, AZ.

I held much against my older sister.  Not only had she been given many chances and financial opportunities by my parents, but she resented both of them and I couldn’t understand why.  My parents were now financially struggling, and I was waiting for handouts that would never precipitate.  I tried various odd jobs, but could never hold one down for long.  My father had his own home-based business, and I would help him and help raising my sister.  It should be noted here, that I believed my younger sister should be given everything my parents could give.  I never for one moment held an ill will towards her.  Actually, because my parents gave birth to her beyond the age of 40, I wanted to be young so she would not feel left out of the family.  I have always felt closer to her than anyone else, as she has to me.  To this day I cheer any and all things my parents have sacrificed for her, while feeling the opposite for my older sister.  The bond that I share with my younger sister is alive and well.  She is without a doubt the single most important person in my life, all things considered.   Unfortunately, there is a sense of myself and my younger sister, versus our older sister.

After I turned 18, I moved to Syracuse, New York with the hope of attending Syracuse University.  I stayed at my deceased grandmothers house, near my great-aunt and my mother’s first cousins.  I basically missed home, and moved back to Phoenix.  I attempted to enter the Navy.  I did not enjoy boot camp in the least.  I caused enough trouble, on purpose, to get myself discharged.  Since it was boot camp, it is not really a discharge and there is no record of me entering the armed services.  For the next three years, no major changes happened.  I did more experimentation with LSD and continued daily marijuana use.  I met my second lifelong friend, Donny, at this time.  He has played a crucial role in my life, especially in areas of religion and spirituality.  At 21, I would start dating my first long-term girlfriend.  We would eventually move in together, and we dated for almost five years.  Also, at this time (about 21), I started my first computer-based job where I would excel and move up very quickly.

I had fallen into my first career.  I finally fit in somewhere!  I excelled in all areas of computer knowledge, and I was a leader because of it.  I was promoted and recognized for excellent customer service and knowledge.  (Note: all my interest in computers came out of a desire to make video games).  I began going back to school at Glendale Community College, where I pursued a B.S. in Computer Science (never completed).  I did fairly well, and held a 3.0+ GPA.  Through a person at the computer job, I moved to a more lucrative position, gaining more experience in the IT field.  My manager was a great mentor in my life.  He was a model of management that I still look for, and try to emulate.  On the other hand, our supervisor was the opposite.  We constantly were at odds, and to this day, I tend to regard her as the ideal model of what a manager should not be.  Eventually I became a network engineer, broadening my experience in the field.  During this span, I picked up snowboarding.  My job enabled many vacations to resorts in California and the southwest.  To this day, it is my single favorite activity, and it is what psychologists call: my flow experience.

It should be further noted that for quite a few years, I held a second job at a local pizza shop, where I was an assistant manager.  This helped my esteem, mostly because I held a job for a long period of time, which was a new skill for me!  My older sister lived next door to that job.  I visited often to try to mend our relationship, but I consciously knew I was there to help her not feel deserted by the family.  She also had her second child, Shayna, at this time.  I also helped my friend Donny, at his fathers business as a third job.  We used to work graveyards together and would have many theological conversations.  Being that his family was Christian, and mine was Jewish, we obviously had differing viewpoints.  He was concerned with my salvation, and I was concerned with acceptance, despite my [albeit uninvestigated] beliefs.  We definitely bonded by playing in a basketball league and a hockey league together.

I would become obsessed with computers, the internet and video games.  This all basically summed up to distractions.  This was all underpinned by marijuana use, as well.  These distractions amounted to disinterest in, and the demise of my relationship.  Needless to say, I was crushed, although I was scared of marriage, and not committed to it with that girl.  It was a bitter breakup.  This girl is still, to this day, loved by my family.  We are now friends and I learned invaluable lessons with her.  I was now about 26 years old.  I turned to my younger sister for support at this time, which was the beginning of us becoming more than siblings, branching into friendship.

Through a friend, I took Ecstasy for the first time.  It was the greatest drug that I had ever taken.  I experienced feelings of empathy never felt before.  I was over my ex-girlfriend.  I started going to clubs on weekends, meeting new people and experiencing new music.  This was the rave scene. I was a bit older than most in the scene, so people looked up to me.  I was finally accepted for me, or so I perceived.  I left my job because taking drugs every weekend was starting to affect my work habits, day-to-day.  My happiness and place in this new scene was more important to me than a career.  I would not change my decision to this day.  This was Fall/’98, going into Spring/’99.  I moved into a party house and for money I started to dabble in dealing drugs.  Being an honest person, some “distributors” saw fit to supply me with Ecstasy and LSD.  I fell into this lifestyle for quite sometime.  The important part was that I was doing things the way I wanted.  I demanded insightful enjoyment out of every day, and I made the most of it through deep personal interactions and self-discovery.  Although I did cross into drug abuse, I had read about the Ecstasy before I ever did it.  I knew about set and setting and still feel that I took certain expectations in, and got exactly what I asked for.  Those times, perhaps, made the deepest impression of any span-of-time in my life.  Until one has experienced it, you cannot possibly comment.  The sense of belonging was strong, and a sense of unity stronger.  The only possible analogy might be to the “hippie” era of the 60’s.  This time could take up an entire book, in and of itself.  I met many close friends that I still talk to, with two very important friends during this time, Justin and Said.

Over the summer of 1999, I met an important girl who I fell deeply in love with.  Much of our bonding involved drugs, and although I was naïve to many activities, I loved her intensely.  In late 1999, I was watching TV and saw a skiing competition.  I immediately decided that I wanted to break from the rave scene and move to Colorado.  I was thinking Denver, so I could: a) be near the mountains to snowboard, and b) be in a city where I could work in IT.  My girlfriend and two friends went with, as I sold all my belongings, save one truckload.   After staying in a motel for two weeks with no promising job prospects, we all attended a job fair for Vail Resorts.  They offered us jobs and employee housing at Keystone.  I couldn’t believe I was moving to a mountain resort!  We each got a five-mountain pass and I had a job as a chef.

My two friends moved back to Phoenix within 2 months.  I and my girlfriend stayed through the season until May of 2000.  I had gotten engaged to my girlfriend during that time, despite many problems.  She did not snowboard or ski, so she did not enjoy the mountains as I did.  This was a dream come true for me.  I would tease my old friends in Phoenix about the snow and the incredible riding.  This turned out to be another great experience where I did things on my own and more importantly, my way!  Determination of my path in life is very important to me now.  I strive to go with the flow when it comes to the ups and downs in life, but I try not to get caught doing “what the crowd is doing”.  Eventually, I would sacrifice and move back to Phoenix, in order to make my girlfriend happy.

We moved in with my friend Donny (and his wife Teresa) in the summer of 2000.  My girlfriend and I were inseparable since we met, and we both got jobs at an up-and-coming dotcom in Scottsdale, AZ.  This was through a female friend who is married to my lifelong friend Toby.  I moved up quickly at this job and was given more responsibility that at any previous job.  I fit in well, and was respected.  Much of my drive though was to begin building a family.

Although my girlfriend and I linked back up with the rave scene and our old friends, we still managed to keep our distance.  We took Ecstasy with Donny and Teresa a few times.  They did this of their own recognizance and they both believe they benefited emotionally from it. We moved out of Donny’s, into a beautiful house in Scottsdale.  Everything seemed perfect.  Then her father died and our relationship went downhill.  She started dating someone at work under the guise that we couldn’t be together because she was too torn up over her father’s death.  I gave her space, thin king they were just friends.  It was an incredibly bitter breakup. I contemplated suicide for the first time in my life.  I felt so out of control.  I had friends at the time that gave all they had to me.  I remember that night [like it was yesterday] and how three of them were on the phone, begging me to come over and to leave her. That summer I stopped going to my job, by calling in sick and using all my vacation days.  I swore off computers forever.  My sister and I spent almost every day together.  At this time, I started seeking spiritual peace without drugs, to calm what was becoming mild anxiety, and to help clarify purpose in my life.  I started writing in journals at this time, and became quite the poet!  This was a great time of personal discovery.  One of my favorite quotes is from Socrates: “By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.”

Also, that summer (2001), I went to Lake Havasu with old friends from my teenage years, and met my best female friend, Caroline.  We hit it off and she became a very important part of my daily life.  We fed off of each other, in order to get over bad breakups.  Although we never dated, we discussed the matter and decided it would ruin what we had.  I learned that being a friend to a female is oftentimes more important than sex.  This has somewhat become part of my philosophy.

I skipped out on the apartment, and moved in with Donny, again.  I dabbled in the rave scene again, but it was not the same.  It was not the same without my ex.  Although I had some fun, the drugs had an adverse effect emotionally.  At the end of that summer I met a girl that would turn me on to glass (meth amphetamine).  It took me one month to lose my job.  It was time to move out of Donny’s and through this girl, I met Todd.  I would live with Todd from Fall/’01 through Summer/’04. 

I must sidestep, once again.  In this timespan, my older sister had both legs surgically amputated as a result of bad circulation.  This was caused by an ill-advised third pregnancy, drug addiction and smoking compounded by lifelong health issues.  She ignored many warning signs along the way.  Her attitudes on life are nowhere near mine, and are filled with pessimism.  She now lives with my parents and refuses to get out of her wheelchair and use prosthetics.  My compassion towards her has met no reward, and therefore I have lost motivation to extend her compassion, for the most part.  She is the epitome of a user, and of self-destruction.  I used to think it is the one relationship that I must work hardest to fix, while I now believe it is my biggest lesson in accepting things that I cannot change.  Someday, my little sister, her kids and I will have to care for her.  My parents share in raising her third child, while her middle child is in foster care.  I resent my sister for [functionally] forcing another child upon my parents.  She seeks to punish them still for bad fortune in her life.  She, if such a thing exists, is my opposite.  I am everything that she is not, and she is everything I try not to be. 

To continue the former of the previous two paragraphs.  Todd was my age (29) and he had a meth problem, much more serious than my own.  We agreed that we could help each other.  I would continue meth usage, occasional cocaine usage and daily marijuana until around Spring/’02. After that, I managed to clean up from both meth and marijuana in a household full of drugs.  I have smoked marijuana exactly one time since then, and never ingested anything other than alcohol.  I felt that I had fully experienced the drug perspective, and exhausted any potential benefits.  Drug usage is no longer a temptation for me.  I was dating a girl at that time.  This girl was from my past, we met when I was 18.  It was a long-term crush, basically.  She was bipolar and on many medications.  She also was addicted to Xanax and cocaine.  Eventually, I grew tired and told her to never call me gain.  I mention this, because this was the first time that I cut a girlfriend off with no regret, whatsoever.  I felt it to be an important step in my development.

I focused on my job and fit in well as a head server.  The money was awesome; I would remain at this job, on and off, until Summer/’04.  I knew, somehow, that this job would be a bridge to somewhere better.  In the Spring of 2003, I decided I wanted to go back to school.  Since I felt so adept with people in such a wide range of social groups, I decided on Psychology as a major.  I felt that I knew what made people “tick”.  So I started at Mesa Community College, which was right next to my house in Mesa.  I felt as though I had a new lease on life.  I took a liking to two teachers, one in Psychology, and one in Anthropology.  My GPA went up to around 3.50.

That summer (’03), my friend Mark was convicted of narcotics trafficking.  I had known him since my teen years.  In October, 2003, my friend Ryan Topham (from the rave scene) died of a heroin overdose.  All of the old friends got together.  It was a deep bonding experience for all of us.  I definitely took it upon myself, as a respected friend to many, to warn of the dangers of continued drug use.  My wisdom was sought by many, at this time.  I felt quite important, once again.  Many were happy that I was there and knew that Ryan had looked to me so many times for advice and consult.  I managed to balance advice and non-judgment, at that time.  Many needed me to be strong, and it was a great time for me.  We organized a car wash to raise funds for his funeral, so that his mother wouldn’t have to bear the entire financial burden.  We collected over $2000 dollars in two days.

At this time, I met Christa.  We became friends and eventually started dating over Winter break.  She became a very important influence in my life.  She had been in the rave scene at the same time as me.  We contemplated how it seems as though we met at parties, but could not nail it down.  We were at the same places on the same dates.  We had the same friends.  We became very close.  I had never “clicked” with another person, like I did with her.  It was an amazing time.  That Spring (2004), I got my first motorcycle.  I was baptized Christian (to the dismay of my family).  I had the girl of my dreams, and school was going well.  Being at the end of my two years at community college, it was bearing on the time to go back to a major university.  I applied to ASU, but was initially rejected.  Upon offering me a list of steps to be admitted, I applied to Northern Arizona University in Flagstaff, AZ to see if I could be accepted.  NAU accepted me immediately.  I broke the news to my girlfriend, and she was crushed.  That began a long slow demise of our relationship.  Another close friend from our rave days, Nate Renthal, committed suicide in August, 2004.  This had a great impact in my life once again.  I was beginning to see the fragility of life up close and personal.  I missed the funeral due to school starting.

I loved the idea of NAU and going to school, being near snowboarding, and being out of my home city.  So, I started NAU in Fall/’04.  I kept Psychology as a major, yet decided on Pre-Med focus.  Being a doctor seemed a good capacity in which I could help others.  I kept my server job in Scottsdale, commuting on the weekends, staying with Christa.  She felt our lives were too separate and we fought much of the time.  I found out that, two weeks after we started dating, she slept with another guy.  I forgave her and we continued.

Because of a suspended license, I was forced to stop commuting to Phoenix, and I started as a server, at my current job, Jackson’s Grill.  In the Summer of ’05 I broke up with Christa.  This was basically the result of an oscillating power struggle in our relationship.  That is why we lasted so long, and why the breakup was long, bitter and full of emotions.  Our lives are intertwined in ways that are known…and in other ways that are not quite clear to me.  At the same time, this is perhaps a stage of my life still unfinished.  We had many struggles over theology and spirituality.  Her mother is currently in jail as a murder suspect.  She came from a broken family, yet has started a relationship with her father.  She went back to drugs for a short period of time, and she started dating her boss.  This went against everything that we valued as a couple.  Being that I was so close to her, I was her support.  It drained me, even though I wanted to be there.  I resented her for much of her actions.  In September 2005, my old roommate and friend Todd DeGain was killed by drunk drivers.  I had seen him one week before, after no contact since I moved from our house in Mesa, to Flagstaff.

I let the breakup with Christa affect my schoolwork in a negative fashion.  My GPA is around 2.50 now.  This changed my goals, being that medical school is no longer an option.  Motivation issues and depression have come to the surface.  Dependency issues have arisen, as well.  Jackson’s Grill turned has turned out to be quite a good experience.  The GM, John Collins has become my best friend.  The staff is like family, and I have never fit in so well at a job.  I am now a manager, along with being a server.  We have fun above all else, and people look to me as a morale booster.  Two teachers at NAU have deeply impacted my life, and I love the fact that I met them.  I have no doubt that some of the friendships that I have formed while in Flagstaff, will last a lifetime.

So now, it is Fall of 2006, and this should be my last semester.  I have become very comfortable with Flagstaff.  Although the move broke up my relationship with a potential life partner, I have less regret about moving here as time goes on.  So many signs point to Flagstaff, as being exactly where I needed to be.  I don’t want to permanently move back to Phoenix.  I like the idea of Seattle or Vancouver.  I have a few ideas of what I want to do after graduation.  I was thinking of getting a paramedic certification.  I also would like to volunteer in South America, and surf in the process.  I want to commit one full year to this.  I want to move to an island for a year.  I would like to pursue post-graduate work and become a teacher.  I would like to do some writing and perhaps publish a book.

There is so much not covered in this paper.  It is merely a summary, with some important highlights included, and some missed.  I feel I have learned much from life.  I have experienced many things with a great awareness of myself and others.  I have been imparted much wisdom, from those experiences, and by people in my life.  I have many heroes.  I find joy in small things.  I find fulfillment in quality personal relationships and interactions.  I know the friends (held currently) that will last a lifetime.  Although, I have been at odds with my parents, they did the best they could with what they had.  Thank God that my mom was one those mothers that never stop being a mom.  I see myself never getting old.  My proof that God somehow exists: my little sister Marissa, my friend Donny.  I can never trick myself into standard concepts of God; I have tried!  God can be nothing, anything and everything, so my concept of him follows the same logic.  Many people have come to lean on me for support, and I gladly accept the role.  Life is interesting in how what you lean on for support, can come to lean on you for support.  I believe that any obstacle can be overcome; it’s just a matter of finding the way.  I think homosexuality is a human disease of the mind and spirit, of family and society; I know most homosexuals are actually born homosexual.  My longtime friend Aaron is the only gay person I have met where it doesn’t bother me in the least, nor can I ever judge him; this is actually because he is the only homosexual I know (I don’t really know many) that is not promiscuous, which is what I am actually against; Finally, I give most promiscuous heterosexuals no sympathy, and no quarter.  I don’t know if abortion is all right, or all wrong.  I know that a completely unchangeable mind is a waste of human creation.  Better mind, body and spirit are always available at the next stop, even if you miss them at the current stop.  I do not fear death, as I feel it is a part of life.  I would accept the death of any close person so that they may not have to see me die or live without me; except my sister because I could not bear life knowing that I could not see or talk to her…sorry Rissy!  I know that laughing is the cure to and the prevention of much physical and mental illness.  I have been granted good health and sound mind; my spirit is what causes me distress in both.  I realize comedy is at the expense of something or someone.  When it comes to jokes, I dish it out, but I am also willing to take it.  I hate the monetary credit system and wish the movie Fight Club would actually happen.  Aristotle said that every democracy will decline into despotism and eventually fall apart; I secretly hope for and wait for the unraveling.  I think money came from one person coveting what another had, and the owner of said coveted item was not very good at sharing.  I am an excellent procrastinator!  Motivation comes in waves for me; sometimes the sea is like glass.  Drugs have played a crucial formative role in my life, and perhaps it has had a negative role in my development; but, what’s done is done.  I believe life has infinite perspectives to live from.  I want to experience, consciously and fully, as many as possible.  I believe that me and my sister are the best brother and sister combo in the history of mankind.  The glass should always be half full.  I have the fewest enemies of anyone I know, save for Donny’s father.  I am one of the most unique people I know, yet I have shared experiences with many.  I think 99% of rich people are shallow and weak; I also think I would be one of the 1% that is not.  There are many things I have learned in life that I have not sorted out yet.  I used to take things apart as a child; as an adult I enjoy putting them back together.  Electricity is an elusive concept, and a never ending paradox that I can’t stay away from.  Without trying very hard, I can see my lover in every other woman.  I love some select cartoons and a good movie…and I am always on the hunt for new ones that fit that bill.  People who would hate on anime are missing out.  We always get exactly what we need at any given point in life and if you don’t have it, then you don’t need it; once you have it, though, you might want to get rid of it.  I am, and always will be a deep thinker, and as each day goes on, my anxiety lessens and my clarity increases.  I learn more and more to keep my mouth shut, yet at times I speak where no one else will.  I have lied, cheated, stolen and coveted.  I believe the saying “Out with the old, in with the new”; I don’t follow it all that well.  I regret not being more involved in my niece’s lives.  There is my perfect woman out there somewhere; perhaps I missed her, she could be right in front of me, or maybe she hasn’t come along yet.  I have emotional and physical intimacy problems with potential dating partners; I know neither where these problems arise from when they surface, nor where they go to when they disappear.  All factors considered, I am the best partner any of my lovers have ever had.  As long as I can walk unassisted, I will snowboard.  Actually, here’s my original quote: “I snowboard, therefore I am”.  Helping others is the ultimate fulfillment in life; the more you help for benefit of the other, the greater the fulfillment.  A great quote: “Ever stop to smell the roses, and forget to start again?” – Unknown author.  I believe in being dramatic, but for the most part, I am not a “drama queen”, nor do I have a histrionic personality.  I am not afraid to kiss a close male friend on the forehead and tell him that I love and appreciate him; I do the same to a female, but there is a different kind of passion involved.  I can’t remember seriously dating a girl that did not come from a broken family.  When I exit a love relationship, it always feels as though a death has occurred.  I fear negative judgment of others, which forces me at times to put on an act; at this point I am probably judged negatively anyways.  At one time or another, I have been the student, the teacher and the co-pilot in all my friendships and relationships; I like being the teacher the best, yet I believe in being the co-pilot, and I need to be more of the student.  My life is wide open, and in a very real way it can be lonely.  I am horribly indecisive and afraid of mistakes, yet these two qualities have drastically lessened over time.  Very few things in my life are settled and stricken in stone.  To keep an open mind requires vigilance at times.  Being up front and open is a good “filter” in life; it tends to push away things unlike yourself, and pulls close what you need most.  My greatest fear is an unfulfilled dream.  I believe physical surroundings are a major ingredient of personal comfort and general tranquility.  Question: “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Answer: “A kid” – a quote from Marissa Newman, my sister.  This paragraph was written in no particular order and no one statement has any more importance than another and its inclusion seemed necessary; so I went with it.

To write a complete personal perspective paper up to and including this time is impossible in under a year.  This paper, I realize, is full of subjectivity, exceptions, jumbled chronology, and possible contradictions, yet it is a decent snapshot of my life.  There is also the matter that much of my personal perspectives that I have stated here, will come as no surprise to some, earth-shattering to others, and completely wrong to the rest.  I know great men and women have stated some of these things in their own words.  I also realize I could look back on this paper in ten years, and wonder about the audience in which it was designed for.  Most employers would refer me to a psychologist if they read this paper, but I might find one that would love it.  Most teachers would rip the structure and grammar of this paper apart; I would love to meet the one that would want me to continue, fill in, refine and publish it.  My life has had its ups and downs, more or less than others.  I am a lover of “what’s around the corner” and plan on making the best of what I’m given, as well as creating a little as I go!