Trapped in Existential Ice Cubes

It has recently come to my attention that I don't want my current car anymore.  I want something worth LESS than what I currently own, approximately 1/3 of the value.  I cannot do this, however, because I signed a contract saying that I want my car for 72 months..or SIX FUCKING YEARS!  What was I thinking?  I wasn't.  My vehicle owns me.  The shitty part of Fight Club has come to pass.  My car, like my recent iPhone, does not reflect my personality, nor does it define who i am.  My car can definately reflect what I LIKE TO DO maybe.  My phone now reflects that I like to make phone calls and send texts.  My iPhone reflected...well that I liked expensive toys and hand-held computers.  Anyway, the car.  Purpose.  That is certainly not race around a track.  Maybe it's get laid a lot.  It was, but not right now.  I want a truck that can carry the little bit of stuff I happily own.  I need it to get me to a mountain to snowboard.  I need it to NOT kill my fucking pocketbook like another rent payment.  It pretty much doubles ALL my other bills when you factor in insurance.  Lame.


I want to move to Big Sky, Montana.  I want that to happen yesterday.  Probably can't happen until December.  Which means I need a job in this ridiculous town.  My competition is doped up, tattooed and pierced.  It's gonna be tough.  I'm probably getting a new living situation pretty quick.


Going to see 2 of my best friends in 2 days.  California, ehhh.  Tahoe, good!

Trillium Lake, Oregon..and a bit about dreams

So I decided to take up fishing.  I've got some of my friends gear, 6'6, Medium-Light, Fast Rod with a 6/8 spinning reel and some lures.  Definitely not a Salmon/Steelhead setup, so I went to go find a lake near Mt. Hood.  About 45-60 minutes from my house I arrived at Trillium Lake.  Pretty much directly south of Hood, maybe 175degrees...anyway, just south of Summit bowl and Palmer snowfield (the year-round area where people ski/snowboard on Hood.

I got to the lake and there were people sparsely dabbled here and there: some casting lures, some camping on chairs with bait and bobbers and 2 guys on personal pontoons and even a couple paddleboating around the lake.  I set out and found a spot all to myself on the east shore.  Quite relaxing, got to know the spinning reel intimately.  Tried a few different lures.  No bites.  There was a light wind as dragonflies did their late day play all around me.  Wind was mild and kicked up for 30 minutes as the sun left early over a ridge on the west border of the lake.

About this time, fish started there evening feeding.  The water was almost perfect glass, no wind.  All i could hear was pops of the fish surfacing, with occasional jovial laughter from one of the two pontoon-fishing buddies in the middle of the lake.  You could feel the relaxing vibe across the whole lake.

I decided to head back towards the south shore and some people were trading in fishing poles for cameras.  I decided to throw a few more casts and was rewarded with some Arizona-esque colors in the sky.  The clouds were moving in around Mt. Hood.  It was less like the mountain was saying goodbye, as it still wanted to play; more like the day was saying it's time for things to go to sleep as it wrapped Hood in a blanket of clouds that you could reach out and touch.  One thing I love about the Pacific NW is the clouds.  Yes, it gets rainy, but you are in the clouds almost anywhere you go...which means when you hike, you get view of Willamette Valley (Portland) and others lost under a carpet of clouds with only glacial volcanic peaks breaking the chalk white blanket.  You usually only have to go up to 3k-4k to see this phenomenon.

Honestly, I keep feeling this pull to leave Portland, as nice of a city as it is.

There just seems as though so much more is beckoning me.  With the volcanoes around the NW, from the city they beckon you to experience the forests, lakes, stream and wildlife that lay close to them.  That is what calls to me.  So much more places to experience.  So much less stress of a city.  And before you say it's about escape, it's not.  It's about arrival at things new, things I have wanted to experience forever now.  My own way.  Yes, again my own way.  No I will not get rich.  I will not gain many (big) toys.  I am still going off of my life fits in my _____ vehicle.  My vehicle needs to fit in my finances!  Portland could potentially be a new home to me, but I honestly think I have not found my new home yet.

My Review of REI Cirque ASL 2 Tent

Originally submitted at REI

The REI Cirque ASL (All Season Light) 2 tent reflects the classic backpacker layout with side doors and vestibules to maximize livability, access and storage for 2 occupants.

REI Cirque ASL 2 Tent

Super sweet tent!!

By laggy311 from Portland, Oregon on 9/11/2010

5out of 5

Pros: Sturdy, Windproof, Waterproof, Fly Works Well, Comfortable, Lightweight
Best Uses: Backpacking, Car Camping
Describe Yourself: Avid Adventurer
What Is Your Gear Style: Minimalist

I've been searching for quite sometime for a great backpacking tent that was spacious for me, light, durable and liviable through the 9/10 range of conditions that i come across. Being in the Pacific NW, I need a tent that can enable me to get out in fall and even winter. So i needed a true 4 season, but single walled. I finally settled on the Cirque vs the Arete. I was also looking at tents like Bibler, MH Spire, MSR Fury (2x walled).

I chose the Cirque over the Arete because of a little weight diff and the dual entries and vestibules, and thus the seemingly better airflow.

I did set up on before any trips, which you should do. One knock against this tent is the poles take some wooing to get all the way thru, could be me though so it doesn't warrant me taking off a star. Once in, thought tent is solid. Ingenious system to hold down fly and footprint. Says it comes with 8 stakes, but only got 6, which is fine as the extra 2 would only serve as extra guy points. Btw, this tent has tons of extra guy points.

Ventilation system is superb in the day. At night when temp drops, just seal it up. I spent a very wet night in Trapper Creek Wilderness, WA and the tent was bone dry DESPITE several wet articles of clothing in the tent with me.

I spent another cold night on Mt. Adams, about 6000ft with decent winds. Tent was toasty and did not budge. I bet this tent is great in high winds simply because there's really not much by was of squared edges. With the fly, it takes on a pretty round shape.

Interior pockets and gear loft are a nice touch. Tent is SUPER easy to roll up and store. I leave the fly attached for a "fast pitch" option. Seems ok, but like I said poles seem kind of tough to get past the high mid-point/crossing point. There is no fly/footprint only option as pole sleeves are on the tent. However, the fly and footprint could be set up if you have some utility cord.

Only other thing is that the doors don't open all the way. The picture shows the top of the tent door as far as it will go (bottom zips open, obviously). This cuts down on weight tho (less zipper), makes for less heat loss (cold weather tent). I'm short (5'7) so I don't have issues getting in and out.

I am SO happy with this tent and really need nothing else. If I'm camping in a desert in summer or hiking Everest, then I suppose I'll cross that bridge when I come to it!

Soda Peaks Lake, Trapper Creek Wilderness, WA

Tags: Picture of Product

(legalese)

My take on 9/11

This day is now a National Holiday.  I will say, first off, that i'm sorry to all the families and friends who had people die.  For everyone else, stop faking like this really affected your daily life...it's old and tiresome.  I remember where I was, as well, and yes it was intense and surrealistic, but seriously do you need to cry whenever the subject comes up?  What about genocides that happen all the time?  Can you have some remote sympathy for Rwandans on April 6th every year? When you wake up,  do you practice a moment of silence for Darfur?  After all, it is ethnic violence, categorically the same discriminatory "religious" violence perpetuated against the U.S.

No you don't, because it doesn't affect your daily lives..only 9/11 does because your media and government SAYS it does.  9/11 is the best pro-war rally cry this country has ever had.  Better than Pearl Harbor.  The enemy is 1) unseen, 2) everywhere and 3) hates us at a basal/instinctual/fundamental level...So we can always justify endless searching.  Which costs money.  And if money is getting spent, then money is being earned.  Capitalizing on suffering.  Suffering that is not even most of ours.  If you lost family in 9/11, then fine.  Otherwise what are you feeling?  Suffering? Are you part of a new empathetic human movement that I am unaware of? No, you are feeling fear.  See you can't feel, day-to-day, what it's like to lose someone in 9/11.  You have to be reminded once a year.  Almost no one would fucking remember until you were dating a check that day and you think, "hmmm, it's 9/11".  Thank you FOX and MSNBC! You're like an alarm clock for our compassionate souls, that have been slumbering all year! Where would we ever be without you!

"Well it's about our freedom and our way of life"!  Are you seriously afraid of being attacked by Muslim hordes on a daily basis?  If you are, then hey there Lawrence of Arabia: you are maladjusted to life and should seek professional help.  Is this Kingdom of Heaven?  Are you the Prince of Persia?

Ground zero is circus now.  We made it a circus.  Are people still fighting over the spot of ground in Beirut where 300 American and French servicemen died?  No.  What about where Americans where killed SUPPOSEDLY BY Bin Laden in Tanzania?  Nope.  Only Ground zero, cause they attacked: a symbol?  Did we really convert American lives into a symbol?

This holiday is not about unity.  Democrats-united.  Republicans-united.  Christians-united.  Jews-united.  Steel Workers-united.  It's easier to get folks to do what you want them to do when they have a sense of unity.

Portland and other wanderings

Here starts my blog...I guess 9/11 is an easy date to remember...i'll get to that in another post...

So here i am in Portland, Oregon after spending most of my life in Phoenix, Arizona.  I came here July 3rd, 2010.  I couldn't take Phoenix anymore.  Although I lived with my sister and best friend Marissa and my best friend Tim, along with close friends David and Richelle, that perfect household's benefit could not outweigh the cost of living in Phoenix.  I also left my parents there, as well.  I also left Toby and Donny, 2 lifelong friends.  Again: cost vs. benefit.  I have lived other places like NY, Colorado, northern AZ, but always came back to Phoenix.  To put it in perspective, Phoenix was too easy for me.  Not that I need to push myself necessarily (although I do at times), but Phoenix is kind of like living at my parents house.

I told my dad before I left that I wanted to travel and see the world (still do and still will).  He said, "So what are you gonna do with your life when you are done wandering?", I said "Dad, this IS my life".  I think him and Tim and a lot of others attempted to "test" my mettle. Now that I am here, I think most have accepted that I have done the right thing for myself.  I stopped for two days in Price, Utah to stay with an old friend Alan Mitchell.  He is a great friend and this whole move was worth that simple rekindling.  His family is awesome, and as all my family and friends: I miss them daily. 


I am not so silly to think that I could leave my personality behind.  I take that with me.  I take my manias and my depressions.  I take my dreams and my fears.  I take my past and my future.  But for the first time since early Colorado journeys, I can breathe in the present because I have chased down some dreams. 

I love Portland, and I loved it almost immediately...but I want to move already.  This move helped me to realize that I need to keep going.  I have some things to work out, like car, credit cards, etc.  I have started looking at the endless roommate opportunities in Portland.  They are inexpensive and inexhaustible!  So my own concept of my own "ideal situation"/plan CAN change.  This place is a gateway for me.  It's a cemetery for others and their ideas.  There are parts and people of this city that are so closed off to new ideas, that you can spot them just walking down the street.  It's in their clothes, their adornments, and their faces.  How different is Hawthorne from Old Town Scottsdale?  Not too terribly much aside from disposable income.


I have started to go outdoors, hiking and camping...A major part of what I set out to do here.  I'm about to start fishing.  I am finally going to see my best girl friend Iona after 2 years.  Things can and do change.  I never wanted to change WHO i am...I only want to change what I do and WHERE I do it.  I want these things for my individual, selfish little life.  It's just sometimes about going down that path that seems scary and unknown, but once you do it you realize things.  You see that it's where you are supposed to be and that only your own fears held you back.  The path you take is neutral until you fill in the blanks of what it's all about.  The path you take, when aware and conscious of what you are actually doing, feels like home.

There are things you will leave behind that are really right with you the whole time.  Every person that is significant part of your life has their own dreams that they need to fulfill regardless of you, as well.  Accept their paths, as they have accepted yours.  Try not to grasp.  Deny a sense of ownership with these people you love.  By letting go and letting them grow, is where the bond can truly strengthen.

So what comes next?  What adventure?  They seem big to me when they are happening, but in the interest of the whole "moment" thing, significance of any given adventure tends to shrink and dim when compared to the next potential adventure is being planned.  I am kind of considering moving to Bend, Oregon to work at Mt. Bachelor for a season.  I want to live in Alaska, Idaho and Montana.  Then comes Maui.  No matter what though, you always take your friends and family with you.  Thankfully, the internet is what it is, or I would have to make a lot more phone calls!

...and sometimes you gotta just throw a mean-mug at life (and some people) to keep it real!